On Monday night, Tom and I watched “Train to Busan.”
Or more accurately, we started watching it together, after we tried unsuccessfully to find a new show we both agreed on.
Tom doesn’t like scary movies – especially anything with psycho serial killers.
“They’re so mean,” he says.
“But you’re okay with zombies?” I asked last night. Zombies seemed pretty mean to me.
“They aren’t mean,” he said, “They’re just doing what they do. Zombies can’t control it.”
Like telling a tiger not to hunt prey.
“Great,” I said, “Because because I love a good Korean zombie movie with subtitles.”
Ten minutes in, he was reading his phone.
This bothered me because it meant we were not getting scared together. That is the whole point of watching a zombie movie with your significant other.*
“Get off your phone Tom.”
“I’m looking up the scariness rating,” he said, not looking away from his phone, “There’s a website that tells you where all the really scary scenes are – it’s called wheresthejump.com.”
I paused the film to look at him, “So, what does it say about ‘Train to Busan?'”
“It says it’s pretty scary.”
“Do you want the blanket?”
He put his phone down, “Maybe.”
Twenty minutes later the zombies were in full-attack mode and the handsome leading man played by Yoo Gong had not yet realized he was a hero.
“I don’t want to watch it anymore,” Tom said suddenly, his voice comically high.
I thought he was joking. A herd of zombies lurched forward, one bit into someone’s neck. Blood spurted across the screen as a bunch of frightened Koreans stampeded down the train. I was engrossed, but could feel Tom’s eyes on me.
“Turn it off,” he said.
“I don’t like it!”
“We’re thirty minutes in. The zombies barely just got on the train!”
“I don’t like it. They’re so mean!”
“You just said that zombies weren’t mean. You said they’re just doing what they do!”
Another thought occurred to me, “Also, what if there really was a zombie apocalypse? You’d just hide and cry? Who’s going to protect me?”
“Oh I would protect you. If that really happens you do what you gotta do.”
“But you can’t watch it in a movie? It’s fake!”
He looked away, like a little boy being forced to eat broccoli, “It’s too scary. I want to watch something funny.”
We compromised. He brought out his computer and headphones and watched funny Youtube videos while I finished the movie, pausing it every so often to tell him what was going on.Though he clearly did not care, it was still nice to be in each other’s company.
“Wait for me to put my headphones back in before you press play,” he would say.
Later that night, I got into bed and Tom hugged me tight.
I patted his head, “There there. Do you want to talk about the zombies?”
“They weren’t nice American zombies. They were mean Korean zombies.”
I laughed. Everyone is a kid sometimes.
“What is your greatest fear, then?” I asked him.
“Running out of Vegemite.”
“What would you do about it?”
“I’d learn how to make it,” Tom said, “I would reintroduce it. Like in ‘Jurassic Park’.”
But with less disastrous results, hopefully.
On Tuesday, we watched something funny: Dave Chappelle’s latest special on Netflix, which we super highly recommend.
Wish we could recommend Amy Schumer’s Leather Special as well, but Tom has thoughts on that too:
“Maybe she should eat less and focus on writing better jokes.”
Don’t worry Amy, he tells me that too.